My Zombie Heart🫀✨
How I ended up with a zombie heart - the story of my open heart surgery. - TW lots of things
To start let's rewind 40 years, to November 1984 - I was born with a VSD hole in my heart, which as I grew a little older the doctors told my 'parents' it would need to be fixed, or I would more than likely die of heart failure around 30-35, I don't have a lot of childhood memories, and have now been estranged from them for about 15 years, so I can't give you much information of what happened in those first few years, other than I was unwell often and somehow along the way it was decided I wouldn't get my heart fixed. I remember being about 10, coming to Melbourne to see a cardiologist and having a bunch of tests done, I only really remember this because the radioactive dye test nuked my favourite whinnie the Pooh watch haha
Anyway fast forward 5 more years to when I was 15 and I left home due to it being a really shitty abusive situation. And unfortunately that led me down not a great life path, and caused me to grow up thinking I wasn't worthy, lovable and not giving any fucks about my health. In fact for most of my adult life I was incredibly suicidal and saw my future heart failure as potentially an easy way out if I didn't end it by my own hands.
I did many things once I was out of home I shouldn’t have like drugs, becoming an alcoholic & just not caring because of not feeling worthy.
But I had a slight shift in mindset in my late 20's when I was fostering and looking after rescue and abused animals, I saw a lot of myself in them - which also encouraged my then hardcore vegan and Orthorexia lifestyle (que mid 2000s, the year of ‘apple cider vinegar’ and believing veganism could cure anything) then my 30s hit and I was "fine" so I figured I'd dodged a bullet or ‘cured’ my bad heart with being vegan - it didn’t, but quiet possibly it did help.
By mid 30s my life entirely fell apart (now for the absolute better) but at the time it felt like the end of the world - I lost everything and the guilt and sadness ate me alive and my mental health spiralled into a really dark place, I stopped caring about myself and everything more than I ever had, and jumped back hard into a yucky lifestyle of drug and alcohol abuse, and back on the suicidal tendencies train.
2-3 years into this trash lifestyle I met the love of my absolute life, I was mentally a mess but he worked with me to heal the deepest parts of me and through the depths of terror, anger & so much messiness I got there! But as time went on and my brain healed more, and I started to fall in love with being alive and shed myself of the self hatred and fuckery, but I noticed myself becoming more exhausted, puffed & tired, heart racing more than ever before, like pounding out of my chest and constantly needed to take deep breaths even when resting- no matter what I tried I couldn't beat these feelings, I quit my bad habits, i took so many herbal and vitamin supplements daily, I started doing anything and everything to calm my nervous system and nothing worked. Living became increasingly harder and harder and then after 2 bouts of covid in 2024 I started to fall over, became wobbly/dizzy, my legs felt like wading through jelly & my mental health and brain fog became worse, I started sleeping more than I was awake just to be able to function for a day of work or to live a normal day, and at the end of each day feeling as though I was coming down with the flu. Did I have long covid? Pots? Was I just lazy? Was I super unfit? But I kept pushing through and trying coz I was happy to be alive and living a life I love.
Then in May of this year I was spending the day at one of my friends place who also has a heart condition and has a blood pressure machine, I was sitting doing nothing breathing heavy, puffed (like normal) and she asked to do my blood pressure- the results were borderline heart attack- she looks me dead in the eyes and told me to go to the doctor asap! The following days I made an appointment with my GP, and he said "yeh it's pretty high, but you have anxiety, so let's get you on some more meds and try a salt fast for a week and see if anything changes" and surprise surprise zero changes (I knew it wasn’t my salt intake/diet) he then admitted he had noticed the other times my blood pressure was high but put it down to being anxious at the doctor, because I seem otherwise fine to him.
I had Sam my husband come with me to all my appointments, because I'd read on reddit that sometimes doctors only take women's health seriously when it's affecting their male partner, so Sam said it was affecting his life (it wasn't besides wanting to hangout with me more and me wanting to just sleep haha)
We got a referral to the cardiologist- but because I had ignored my heart condition for the past like 7 years we had no base to go off, and was starting from scratch so technically a guessing game for how fast anything had developed. But to me, it felt like the past couple years was when it got worse- and worse again after covid.
Every week for about 3 months I did test after test after test, 14 different tests in total- each time after being told potentially something different, as they weren't entirely sure what was going on, or how fast it was happening. One of the head cardiologist at Royal Melbourne ended up seeing my case and said it was somthing super rare, and he was determined to get to the bottom of it, and most likely I would need surgery.
After a few more MRIs, (I spent a total of 4 hours in MRI machines) it was concluded that I had a mass growing inside my right heart valve, just near the hole I was born with, and was practically blocking off the blood flow and oxygen to my blood - hence the absolute exhaustion and being puffed constantly, my body and organs were suffocating! My heart was also enlarged about double and was compressing my lungs.
We met with my cardiologist and he said they were surprised I was alive and I must have some good karma to have caught this in time, and I was put on Catagory 1 list (30 days) for open heart surgery! Fucking crazy!
I had to have a small procedure 2 weeks prior to the surgery - Right arm to heart Catheterization to check my veins for plaque, blockages or if I needed a stent implanted before surgery but everything was perfect - my lungs and the rest of my heart were perfectly healthy (besides the struggling from the heart enlargement) it was just that right side. That small procedure even tho was minimally invasive was so painful to heal and meant I couldn’t use my right hand for almost 2 weeks, and I can only imagine how bad the bruising was under my blackwork, from the bits of purple and yellow poking out!
Now this is where the real fun begins! Open heart surgery time.. what the fuck! It's actually happening, this thing I didn’t care if it would kill me because I never felt worthy of living, was about to change and I was being given a 2nd chance at life. I wasn’t scared of the surgery but I was definitely scared of what the recovery would be like! I felt confident going into the surgery because of having such an amazing support system and husband who I knew would go to the end of the earths to look after me. And also being assigned a surgeon who specialises in heart and lung transplants, even tho my case was rare, and he said he does about 1 similar a year, I knew I was in safe hands.
I also read a bunch of peoples personal stories about their surgery & life after heart surgery and everyone said it was hard but worth it! So I told myself I can do this, despite the internal battle of guilt of living a life not wanting to be alive and now wanting to live and getting life saving surgery (thank goodness for my amazing therapist - she really helped put all my mushy scary confused thoughts into reality and perspective), but what if I become suicidal again? What if my depression comes back? What if I’m not a good person for my past and don’t deserve this second chance? I really have to appreciate being alive now! No more suicide jokes, No more “I want to die” casually over silly things. Coz I don’t anymore, like at all! I’m so thankful this all happened in the correct timing coz I’m not sure I would have felt the same a few years ago! The universe has my back, and life is honestly crazy!
After a week of pre surgery preparation, staph medication, surgery washes & cutting all my suppliments, it was time! We arrived at the Alfred at 6am and I was the first surgery for the day. I was nervous but no where near as nervous as I expected to be, I had another surgery wash at the hospital, got into the hospital robe, took my piercings out and said goodbye to Sam and they wheeled me off, that was then the nerves really hit! OMG this is fucking happening! They wheeled me into a freezing sterile room, filled with doctors and nurses, where they attached some things to my forehead and chest, hooked my veins up to drips, and the anestiologist connected me up and I remember asking him "there's no way I'll wake up during this is there?" And he laughs and tells me no, then I remember waking up in the ICU - it was done! I survived! Sam was there, and in my weak foginess I reached for his hand. I don't remember much in the icu other than a lot of beeping and machines, cords & drips, Sam said I kept trying to reach for the breathing tube in my throat, I’m not sure if I was trying to take it out or just feel what was in my mouth haha
During surgery they cut my chest open 8 inches, and sawed my sternum bone in half and held me open with crazy contraption - Heart Valve Retractor, to fully expose my heart, they also stopped my heart and lungs and connected me to a heart lung machine to do the breathing work for me, and had my blood travelling out of me through tubes and back in, where they closed up my hole, and removed about 25mm of overgrown heart tissue. WILD!
That night in the ICU I vomited all over myself, it was so painful and scary and of corse I was apologising to the nurse for making a mess all over myself despite the fact I literally couldn't do anything about it. I could barely move I was so out of it! But I was recovering all to plan so I came out of ICU the next day, and oh my gosh trying to move that first time was SCARY! I felt so fragile and sore.
They moved me to the cardiology ward to be closely monitored and during the night I was accidentally overdosed on pain medication and started to crash, I just remember a lot of beeping and about 10 doctors and nurses rushing to me, I was injected with the reverse opiate drug Naloxone and was put on a lot of oxygen and had to have a portable X-ray taken to make sure my lungs hadn’t collapsed, I felt so helpless and scared, thankfully I was fine! But they forgot to give me new pain meds and once I kinda came too the pain was insane! I laid there moaning pushing the nurse button begging for relief, for what felt like forever, I was given some fast acting hardcore pain meds and all was 'fine' again! Phew
The next day I had to have my blood drains removed from my stomach to my heart - I had SO many cords and tubes coming out of me, I think I counted 7. Including an external pacemaker! The removal of those drains was by far one of the worst thing I've ever felt and I made a noise I didn't know I had in me, it felt like a meter of corse rope being pulled out of me twice, I still feel traumatised by that feeling and made me so anxious for the rest of the things to be taken out.
During that night I was wheeled from the chaotic first room into a quieter nicer twin room where I had a window, seeing the sun rise each morning was a highlight (my room mate was a super lovely elderly lady & we encouraged and helped each other out through the curtain with nice words, I really hope she’s doing ok now)
I was bed bound for the first 3 days, and was given an injection in my tummy everyday to help prevent blood clots because I couldn't get up and walk around (peeing into a bag attached to the bed was pretty great tho haha) I was still absolutely out of it, but I was recovering well! I had hallucinations and visuals that were crazy, and I kept playing with things in my hand even tho there was nothing there, I don't think I got much proper sleep, and was poked and prodded every couple of hours, and the amount of pills I had to take was crazyyyyy! My body was really going through it, and it was SO hard, I cried and had a meltdown most days, and even started to regret getting the surgery, I felt trapped in my body and completely helpless, I couldn't do anything for myself - but a cute funny moment once I was able to be walked to the toilet I kissed Sam on the forehead while he wiped my bum haha but I am so thankful to have a husband who is so supportive and caring and loves me unconditionally. He sponge bathed me, helped me in and out of bed, fed me, and sat next to me 12 hours a day every single day despite how boring it must of been for him! I really don’t think I could have done it without him.
That recovery week in hospital was absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done! Everyday I had to practice breathing and coughing which was super painful but helped to prevent me getting pneumonia or a calapsed lung. By day 4 things were looking up, I finally got off oxygen, all the tubes and cords that were in me were gone now, and thankfully none others felt as bad as those first ones being removed, and slowly things like being walked to the toilet were getting easier, I was even able to sit myself up in bed and I could almost feed myself, I was healing so well and so fast! By day 5 I was even better, and I walked myself to the toilet - what an achievement! The pain was also a lot less uncomfortable and I was getting my appetite back!
I could already feel my breathing was easier and I could take a full breath in and out in 1 go, which I hadn't been able to do in a couple of years!
Day 6 came, my surgery site was healing perfectly, and they were confident I'd be able to go home to bed rest with the full time care of Sam - I was still very limited to what I can do with my arms and body in general , and how much I can stand or walk, especially with how wobbly these painkillers make me. But mentally I was ready to be in my own space.
The drive home felt bumpier than ever, but I was so happy to be heading home, I just wanted to sit in silence and not be poked and prodded for at least a day haha.
When I walked in Sam had set up the bedroom so nice and perfect for me to do the rest of my bed recovery, including fresh flowers, so many plushies and everything I could need in arms length, it was the sweetest thing ever to come home too, oh and my bunnies! I had missed them SO much, thankfully my bestie was able to feed and cuddle them all the times Sam had to be with me in hospital.
Bed rest has been boring, and not much more to report - slowly each day I’m doing more and more things for myself, and I’m finally off the hardcore pain meds!
Day 10 I had a GP check up, all is great and I got my patch changed on my chest and it was healing absolutely amazingly, despite my chest tattoo now being so wonky haha but I guess that just adds to the creepy dolly aesthetic I love.
2 little patches were put on each end where the skin was stretched the most, but parts of the middle already we’re so hard to see the scar line!
Day 15 I had another GP checkup, and everything still going perfect, and my scar even more healed- almost all of the scabs have come off and it’s looking amazing! The worst thing I’ve noticed so far is sneezing.. oh my Satan!
Im a month post-op and off bed rest now, going for small walks a few times a week and be able to start doing physio to regain my strength and start using my arms more and more - they’re surprisingly really attached to your chest!
Sleeping if getting easier, I can now do my own hair and shower myself now (I just can’t turn the taps on or off properly by myself haha!
I’ve still got a long way to go before I can go back to normal life and work - but I’m so thankful and excited to be already feeling better than pre surgery and already napping less! And mentally I’ve been doing so well and only had a few grumpy days - mostly when the pain is at an uncomfortable level.
But what a crazy few months! I’m now excited to decorate our home for Halloween, start going for longer walks and being more active again!
I am so thankful for the this gift and for everyone around me filling me to the brim with love and positivity! It has all helped my recovery be so speedy, and I especially can’t wait to now be able to grow old with Sam.
Life is a wild ride, and can take you in you ways you’d never in a million years expect. I regret what I did to myself in my past, but I chose to accept I didn’t know better and once I did, I did better.
I’ve also learnt that 40 isn’t old at all, and I could potentially only have lived half my life!
It’s been carthardic writing this, I know I’m not good at writing but it felt right to do.
Thanks for reading, much love & hope the photos don’t freak you out too much xox
I also have a bunch of sticker & prints available for sale to help support this current journey ✨
Hearts & Stitches stickers